The bond between the mother-in-law and the daughter-in-law is perhaps the most complicated familial relationship there is. The complication is inherent in the bonding material, otherwise known as the son/husband -- a species well known for its amazing, pro-active, succinct, and highly effective communication skills. Although much of the communication between mother-in-law (MIL) and daughter-in-law (DIL) is about or through this phenomenal conduit of information, some things can still, unbelievably, get lost in translation, whereby complications arise.
I could not personally offer any thoughts or material for this particular column because, as you can imagine, I already have the perfect MIL, and it should come as no surprise to you that I am also the perfect DIL. But enumerating all the facets of our mutual perfection makes for a pretty boring result, so I solicited contributions via email, asking friends and family members who are DILs and/or MILs law to offer helpful advice on how to be the best of both breeds.
The replies were fast and formidable. I may need to upgrade the space on my hard drive. Because of the volume of response, what WAS going to be a light touch on the overall topic will be at least a two-part series, the first of which is dedicated to all the MILs out there. It goes without saying that none of YOU need any improvement, but you may want to pass this on to a friend whose son is married, getting married soon, or ... whatever.
What follows is a somewhat empirical, highly unscientific compilation of friendly suggestions from various DILs who interestingly came up with very similar suggestions for improving the archetype for the model MIL. So, in order of frequency and importance, here goes:
1. DROPPING IN. As in "don't." This fell unanimously in the "NEVER" category. There is apparently NEVER a good time to drop in on your son and DIL, whether you are "in the neighborhood" or not. Dropping in, also known as arriving uninvited and unexpected, is a huge no-no. If this surprises you, do NOT ask your son for confirmation. He will probably tell you his home is the exception to the rule and he will probably NOT tell you about the hell he has to pay after each time you do.
My friend Diane, who has an unusually nameless husband, relates a pattern of "dropping in" she has enjoyed with her MIL for years now. Here's but one example of many she gladly shared. . . to honor her husband's birthday once, she took special care to bathe and bed the little ones early, set a romantic table for two in front of the fire in the living room, and prepare his favorite meal: crab meat au gratin baked in individual dishes just for the two of them. "The candles were lit, the wine was poured, the mood was in full swing when... DING DONG! There were my wonderful in-laws who had driven 45 minutes from their home to SURPRISE their son for his birthday!"
They had thoughtfully brought dinner too -- BBQ packaged in frugal, recycled Cool Whip containers. Buns, too. Her MIL noticed the romantic setting they had stumbled upon in the living room and did what any decent MIL would do -- she set up the barbecue in the kitchen and split up the au gratin stuff among the four of them for an appetizer. Needless to say, the birthday boy did NOT get any "dessert" that night.
2. VISITS. This is quite distinct from the "dropping in" category, because it involves an actual invitation. This invitation should emanate from the son & DIL. If the invitation emanates from the MIL it does not count and amounts to dropping in -- even if, especially if, this invitation is confirmed by the son/husband. If the DIL has not also confirmed things in person or in writing, you will probably be dropping in on her.
The visit should also have a predetermined beginning, middle, and end. This predetermination should also emanate from the son & DIL. If it emanates from the MIL it again amounts to dropping in.
My friend Cathy confesses that, as much as she loves her dear sweet MIL, she is loathe to invite her for any more visits because the dear won't LEAVE. Says Cathy, "Everyone else we know visits us for just two days at the most. Her last visit was four days. The time before that was ELEVEN AND A HALF days. She is so nice I feel badly for wanting her to leave. Maybe the problem is that I am being too nice. No, that CAN'T be."
My sister Blanche disagrees about the beginning, middle, and end thing. "No, the visit should just have an END. We issue invitations IN WRITING, asking her to come from a specific date to a specific date. She ignores that. She calls to tell us what her non-refundable flight arrangements are from California. One visit lasted SEVENTEEN days." There is a silver lining to that particular visit, however. My sister, a fellow realtor, spent so LITTLE time at home during that 17 day period that she actually sold a record $5 million worth of real estate.
3. ADVICE. This is a biggy. MILs would be well-advised to give advice ONLY when asked, and NEVER give unsolicited advice under any circumstance, regardless of how well-meaning it is.
"Why do you wear eyeliner, Diane?"
"Why don't you lose some weight, Debbie?"
"Why don't you call your sister-in-law for some decorating advice?"
"But I LIKE doing dishes, Elizabeth! It's no bother! What harm could I be doing since you obviously don't like doing dishes?"
"Have I told you I never gained more than 15 pounds with either of my pregnancies, Helen?" (Only every chance you get...)
"When are you going to call the doctor about that child's fever?"
MILs may think these are examples of innocent questions and statements expressing genuine interest, help, or concern, but your DILs see it differently. These were all offered as classic examples of thinly disguised unsolicited advice. Questions and remarks like that DO count.
4. CHILDCARE HELP. This is pretty much an emotional quagmire. Helping with the grandchildren should be a positive, from all angles. Problems seem to arise when assumptions are made. My own MIL has always regarded it as a privilege to take care of our children when we ask her and when her schedule allows (go figure!). My own mother has always regarded it as MY privilege to have such a helpful MIL -- Mom has no interest in it, and we therefore we have no expectation. Everyone's happy. When there are misunderstandings in this area, friction can result.
One extremely anonymous young mother laments, "I really love my MIL, and I love that she is so eager to help with the baby. I feel guilty for even saying this, but it seems like just when she was cured of 'dropping in' on us, the baby came and now she 'drops in' to SEE THE BABY all the time. It wouldn't be so bad if she asked when she could drop in to see the baby so I can get some things done or run a few errands, but she drops in WHENEVER and if the baby is asleep she just STAYS until he wakes up."
Another equally anonymous mother of youngsters advises the MILs to just "Lay your cards on the table!! If you really DON'T want to babysit, don't make yourself miserable and us guilty by babysitting and then complaining about it to my siblings-in-law. I would feel so much better if my MIL knew that we appreciate her help, but we really don't EXPECT it. I feel guilty if I ask her, but then I feel guilty if I DON'T ask her."
If a MIL does agree to babysit for the weekend, it's often best to go through with it. My friend Eunice (not her real name, thank goodness) relates the time she and her husband left their little firstborn baby with her MIL for the weekend. They could not stand to be away from their little darling for so long so they returned a half day early. They were greeted by a very nice lady who had taken very good care of their precious firstborn for the entire weekend. Her MIL had gotten a better invitation to visit some friends out of state for the weekend. It would have been inappropriate to bring a baby along UNINVITED so she hired a sitter from a service in the Yellow Pages instead. She still doesn't understand why this little anecdote still bugs Eunice.
I could go on (and will at another time) but this paper only pays me so much per column.
To all the dear MILs out there, please remember this is NOT meant as an improvement guide for MILs only. I also have received LOTS of helpful advice for improving the archetype for the model DIL, which will be featured in another column soon. If you have anything to help defuse this minefield of familial ties, I look forward to hearing from you too!
LETTING GO. MILs, your son is now a man. He married a woman.
Rejoice in that. It means that you no longer have to wait on him
(something we should all stop doing by the time the boy becomes
taller than the mother, but that's another column . . . )