It could be anything. A distant siren, a yowling cat outside, someone snoring in your ear, a bad dream, a wrong number from someone obviously in need of some strong coffee, suddenly remembering the name of that person in the grocery store that escaped you during your entire ten minute conversation, or a barking neighborhood dog - any one of those things, and more, often jerks me awake during the long, wee hours of the morning and leaves me blinking in the dark, searching for sleep.
Ten years ago, when my oldest was eight, I never dreamt of sleeping through the night. It was routine to be jolted awake by a crying baby, a toddler's foot in my ear, a thirsty child, a sick child, a petrified child sleeping above a monster under the mattress, or a child in utero jabbing me in the ribs. With one eye closed, I was able to deliver a cup of water, replace a lost pacifier, turn a pillow over to the cool side where only good dreams await, nurse an infant, and/or throw a soiled blankie into the washing machine, then dive back under the quilts, fast asleep again in mere seconds.
I longed for the days when a child waking in the night was the exception and not the rule, even though one of my older sisters cautioned me that it does not get easier, it just "gets differenter." This same big sister also told me that if she awoke before 5:00 a.m., she would try to make herself go back to sleep, but if was after 5:00 a.m. she would call it a night and start her day.
And now I not only walk in my sister's shoes, I lie awake in them more often than not.
That's not true, but it feels true at 2:13 a.m. I take
cold comfort in knowing that women in their 40's often have trouble
sleeping through the night.
As I wait for sleep to come back to bed, I try to use the time
productively. I have written long to-do lists in my head, only
to draw a complete blank the next groggy morning as I attempt
to re-create it on paper.
I've tried Tylenol PM too. It knocks me out cold, but if I take it after 2:00 a.m. I cannot wake up the next morning until about 4:00 p.m., even though I am propped up vertically, navigating carpool at 7:30 a.m.
I also tried My Reason for Living. I nudged him awake -- once -- to let him know I'd been awake for hours, unable to get back to sleep. Face still firmly planted in his pillow, he advised me to "Watch closely, and see how it's done." He sleeps SO soundly he did not know where the bruise on his ribs came from.
I worry a lot, about things that I'm sure keep a lot of people awake at night. Will there ever be peace in the Middle East? Did I put the milk away? Will my backhand ever improve? Would it kill the kids if they pour room temperature milk on their cereal in the morning?
I have also tried prayer. Extemporaneous prayer has never been my strong suit, and I come off as whiney and off-putting when I think, "Dear God why won't you let me sleep!!! " Instead, I rely on comforting prayers I can recite beautifully in church, but at 4:10 a.m. I often wander off point and undermine the point:
Our Father, who art in heaven, hallowed be thy name . . . . Give us this day our daily . . . our daily . . .
Dog.
I am going to kill that dog if it does not stop barking. Forgive me for contemplating that dog's death, I like dogs, but if that dog does not stop barking I am going to shoot it DEAD. No, no . . . forgive me for even thinking about shooting a poor dog. Lord, you know I was just venting, I don't even own a gun. No, no, I will feed that dog some tasty anti-freeze instead. Oh, forgive me Lord for wanting to rub out one of your innocent creatures. It is not the dog's fault he has been left out all night, barking and barking and barking . . .
It's the owner's fault.
Oh Lord, forgive us our trespasses as we forgive those who let their stupid dogs bark all night and wake up every one in the neighborhood, at least every woman in their 40s who needs all the sleep she can get in the first place. And lead us not into the temptation to leave out a pan of antifreeze...
My prayers are finally answered at about 5:14 a.m., just before
the alarm goes off and My Reason for Living awakes to walk with
his all-male coffee-klatch. Their topic of the day could be anything
- politics, that neighborhood dog that barked all night, or those
funny bruises on their ribs that none of them can explain.